Bittersweet

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I woke up with a notification from Google. That Google Rediscover thingy. Yes, and of course–as expected–Kai’s face popped up. Kai’s infant face. He’s a toddler now. Actually, I get daily notifs of my past photos and each time I check them out I feel happy, but a bit sad.

Happy because every time I look at Kai, there’s just pure joy inside me. I couldn’t believe this little booger came into my life. It’s just overwhelming how much you love you have inside your heart for another person who’s part of your being. Sad, because he’s growing older, and I’m not getting any younger.

Anyway, the very first photo that popped out was this one:

This was taken a year ago today, so he’s about 2 months + here. Yeah, he’s round. I posted this on Facebook and my friend said, “Beached whale.” Now he’s not so round anymore. He’s grown bigger and naughtier and more active.
It’s been a year. How time flies. Such a bittersweet thing.

The bittersweet part? He’s growing up so fast and even though he’d just turned one, I can’t help but think about the scary things ahead. Scary, like having this sweet angel grow up in this kind of world we live in.
I have these thoughts like, what if he belongs to a bad group of friends? What if he’s just innocently doing his thing and he falls victim to unfortunate circumstances because he’s just in the wrong place at the wrong time?
These thoughts cloud my head, but it’s pure negativity. I need to get them out. I realize I need to be more positive. I take comfort in the fact that so long as we surround him with love, everything will be fine.

I realize now that parenting can be scary and I wonder how my parents, my mom especially–who not only has one kid but five–cope with the worries every parent has for their children.

I should not dwell on that, right? There are more things to think about. I have to be thankful because I got to be with him 24/7 since birth. He’s never left my side since he’s breastfeeding, direct latch–even until now. However, there was just one time, we left him at my mom’s because I need someone to watch over him, while hubby and I were working and meeting deadlines.

That was the longest time–six hours away from him and I already felt so uneasy. Oh well, the bond that we have is so strong, thanks to breastfeeding. It would be even hard for him to be away from me even if we’re just home. Yes, my darling son has grown clingy– and I don’t mind. I put into my head that this too shall pass, and that I should cherish every precious moment with him.

I should cherish these times when he still needs me, because I know so well that in time, he’ll no longer be this little baby I held in my arms on Oct. 22, 2014 at 5:38 p.m. Soon, he will not need me. Soon, he’ll have another woman who will become the center of his life. . . .

Snap back to REALITY!!! It ain’t happening …not now at least! Long way to go sweetie. You’re mommy’s for now. That’s all that matters. The heck with aging, the heck with growing up fast, the heck with scary parenting, the heck with not needing me –He’s ours for now …

You’re ours, for now Kai, and mommy and daddy are enjoying every time we have with you, even at times when you drive us crazy. I will just have to make sure that you are showered with love.

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