Dear Kai, I Now Know How To Feel Regret

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Dear Kai,

I’m sorry if I yelled at you today. You just wouldn’t stop crying and I don’t know what else to do to please you. Amidst your crying, I still had to force you to drink your cough medicine, making you cry all the more. You’d laugh when you see Daddy do something funny, but then shortly you’re back to screaming and crying.

You’ve been asking to watch Pinkfong videos, particularly “Baby Shark,” but if I put it on, you would still cry.

I then nursed you and put you to bed and you fell asleep immediately.

I’m sorry I didn’t understand that what you were trying to say was that you’re sleepy. I was confused because, at 11 p.m., it’s still considered early for you to go to bed considering you had a late afternoon nap. Besides, you were still running around giving me the impression that you weren’t ready for bed yet.

When you laid down beside me, nursing peacefully, then I realized that I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I should’ve understood your crying.

Before you were born, I’m not really the type to feel regret, but since you arrived, I know how to regret over small things. Just like tonight. I regret how I yelled at you. I regret why I didn’t get what you wanted to tell me. Knowing how my milk and my bosom comforted you made me regret that I should’ve known better. This only made me realize that I’m still not good at reading your cues. You can be unpredictable at times, btw.

I’m just sorry for tonight and I will do my best never to lose my patience with you that easily. But I admit, it’s hard when I have to work and I have problems to worry about and here I am not knowing what you want from me. I assure you though, that no matter what, I’m going to keep trying and I will do my best to make sure that I will understand your very basic yet urgent needs even more.

You’re the best thing that happened to me.

Love,

Mommy.